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Exclusive: interview with Mr. Sun about the OS X Weather Dashboard widget

One of my favorite Dashboard widgets is the Weather widget. It’s been pretty hot and sunny for the last few weeks here in NYC so I’ve been seeing quite a few pictures of my favorite yellow celestial object depicted on the widget. I recently had a chance to sit down with Mr. Sun, a long-time resident of both our solar system and the blogosphere, and I asked him about his Weather widget representations. Here’s a portion of our interview:

Jason: How did the Weather Dashboard widget project come about?

Mr. Sun: Funny story. I’m kicking back, combustin’ some rhymes, and this spacecraft approaches me. I’m about to throw a flare upside its flimsy-ass hull, when I notice it is sending a message out into the heliosphere.The damn thing is in Apple format, and I have Windows - so I have to download a special viewer. I finally decode the thing, and it’s from Steve Jobs about an “insanely great” idea. I vaguely knew about him, because I’d been doing some advance work for Satan on how best to burn Gates for eternity. I’m a special consultant, basically. Anyway, I figured โ€” what the heck? So, that’s how it started. Look, what network are you with again? I don’t recognize you.

Moods of the sun

Jason: Is this the type of work you want to be doing at this point in
your 4.5 billion year career?

Mr. Sun: Look, I’m not going to radiate sunshine up your you-know-what. I’m struggling. Back in the day, I had a great agent โ€” Nicolaus. Not the brightest guy in the cosmos, but totally devoted to me. He made me feel like I was the center of the universe. I remember I worked with Frank Capra on Our Mr. Sun. Just between you and me, that guy was a little too sunny even for me โ€” ringing bells and angels wings โ€” whatever. Then, there was the “Pee-wee incident” involving an unfortunate choice I made in a public setting. I know it’s no excuse, but I’ve warned you people to wear those glasses. I was in a slump. I started to get mean, sloppy, and pathetic. I wasn’t combusting properly โ€” I had bad gas. So yes, I agreed to lend my likeness to the OS X weather widget. Is it where I want to be right now? No. Is it an honest gig? Yes, I think so. I’ve been thinking about starting a blog anyway; someone needs to let those other Sun Shadys know they are just imitating.

Jason: But do you really need any more exposure? You’ve got the most prime advertising position in the world โ€” 5 or 6 billion people a day can see you by just looking up โ€” what more are you looking for?

Mr. Sun: Eyeballs. Is that all you Internet types ever think about? You want to know who had a lot of eyeballs on him? Mahir. Do you want to be that guy for even one minute? I KISS YOU !!!!! You ask me how I can want more. Let me tell you a story that may help you understand. When I was younger, I watched Daedalus and his son fly just beneath me, soaring out of captivity on wings made of feathers stuck with wax to a flimsy wooden frame. Drunk with freedom, Icarus looked directly at me. I felt the panic of his watchful father, but I was mesmerized by his youthful passion. I met his gaze. He moved toward me and the rest they call myth. I made a vow that day to never stay still. Yes, I am fixed in the sky โ€” but not at my core. The fire that sustains me is fueled by the memory of what it took for Icarus to make his way to me, and the debt I owe for my part in his fall to earth. I can’t repay that debt from 93 million miles away, but sitting on your desktop, I can at least start. I am also told the Internet is basically just one gigantic Porn Delivery Device, and I haven’t had any good jacking material since the Soviets from Mir jettisoned their garbage. Did you ever say where you are from? Was it the Wall Street Journal? I’d love to have one of those stencilled sketches of me.

Jason: The photography in this shoot looks more candid than in past shoots by NASA, ground-based astronomers, or vacationing amateurs. In one photo, it looks like you’re crying and in another you appear to be surrounded by a haze of marijuana smoke. Are we finally seeing the real you?

Mr. Sun: Looks can be very deceiving. In this case, however, they are not. Last year, I cried nonstop for three of your earth months. I cried because I burn anyone who comes close to me. I cried because I shine alone in the blackness of space. I cried because just once, I’d like to feel pretty and I know that will never happen. As for the haze of smoke around me, I am made of gas. If I wasn’t churning gas around, you’d all be as frozen as Ted Williams head, so maybe you should think twice before demoting me from life-sustaining star to orbital stoner. Look, I’ve been around the block a time or two when it comes to humanity. At first, you were fearful of me. Later, you worshipped me as a god. Now, you ask me these cynical questions. Fine, no problem. I’ll be around to see the cycle repeat itself a few thousand more times. I’m just a star, an ordinary star. Deal with it.

Thanks for joining us, Mr. Sun.

Mr. Sun goes to Revenge of the

Mr. Sun goes to Revenge of the Sith with his youngling. “Why didn’t Obi-Wan finish off Anakin? That weakness of the mind cost millions of lives. Put down the coffee, Master Kenobi โ€” coffee is for closers.”