Biiiiig Stretch
Back when I went on sabbatical in 2022, I told the story of the fiddle leaf fig tree I bought shortly after my ex-wife and I separated and I’d moved into my own apartment.
I’d recently moved into my own apartment after separating from my wife and figured a large plant in my new place would add some liveliness to a new beginning that was feeling overwhelming, lonely, and sad. For the first couple of months, I didn’t know if my tree and I were going to make it. I’d never really had a plant before and struggled getting a handle on the watering schedule and other plant care routines. It started losing leaves. Like, an alarming number of leaves.
I’d brought this glorious living thing into my house only to kill it! Not cool. With the stress of the separation, my new living situation, and not seeing my kids every day, I felt a little like I was dying too.
One day, I decided I was not going to let my fiddle leaf fig tree die…and if I could do that, I wasn’t going to fall apart either. It’s a little corny, but my mantra became “if my tree is ok, I am ok”. I learned how to water & feed it and figured out the best place to put it for the right amount of light. It stopped shedding leaves.
The fig tree was a happy plant for several years after that. And I was ok because my plant was ok — I found new routines and rhythms in my altered life, made new traditions with my kids, got divorced, met new people, moved to a new state (w/ my family and tree), rediscovered who I was as a person, and, wonderfully and unexpectedly, forged a supportive and rewarding parenting partnership and friendship with my ex. We made it through that tough time together, that plant and me.
I got a lot of feedback from that post…so many kind notes and comments. But there was one email from a reader that particularly stuck in my mind. Of course I can’t find the actual message in my disaster of an inbox, but the gist of it was something like: There may come a time when you feel like you need to let your fiddle leaf fig go and that will be ok too.
Over the next few years, I thought often of that email. About how my tree, which in some sense kept me going during one period of my life, might not be quite right for whatever the next period in my life would be.
Recently, that time arrived. I carried the fig out to my car, stopping to snap this pic on the way:
I loaded it into the car and drove it a short distance to its new home with my friend and her three young boys. Here it is in its new habitat:
Looks pretty good, right? Like it belongs there. I’m really happy it found such a good new home. I hope it thrives along with their family.
A few days ago, about two weeks after the tree departed, I left my house in Vermont for the last time too. In the preceding months, I’d sold some of my things (including my car), given a bunch of stuff away, and put the rest in storage. I drove my rental car to Boston and got on a flight to Tokyo. Right now, I’m sitting in a cafe near my rental apartment writing this post, jetlagged but happy to be here.
So what’s my plan? I’m going to travel for an indeterminate period (mostly outside of the US and dipping back in for visits), starting in Japan for a couple of months. I don’t know where I’m going next yet — probably somewhere closer to the US so I can visit my kids more easily during this transition.
Zooming out a bit, the broader plan is to attempt to answer the questions that I’ve been thinking about for the past few years, ever since I went on a Walk and Talk in Thailand:
Where do you call home? And why?
I’ve been struggling with the concept of home for the past several years. NYC very much felt like home to me shortly after I moved there in 2003 in a way that Minneapolis and (especially) San Francisco hadn’t. Since moving to Vermont in 2016, I’ve never really felt at home here. But NYC isn’t home anymore…and neither is Wisconsin, where I grew up. Where do I want to go to find a home? Do I need to feel at home somewhere? Or is home simply wherever my bed/desk/stuff happens to be? I had more questions than answers around this issue and I was interested in how other people in the group, which included folks that had lived and travelled all over the world, would answer the question.
I’m not going to lie…I’m a little terrified. Sitting on the plane to Narita, I looked out the window thinking “what have I done?” But I’m also excited. Living elsewhere in the world has been on my mind for a long while and at this point, I can’t not do it. I’ll let you know how it goes.
As for what this means for KDO: hopefully not much and only good things. I moved; I didn’t retire. As I get more settled here and my body accepts its new timezone, regular service will resume. I’m hoping the more stimulating surroundings and injection of culture shows up in interesting ways in my life and on the website. I don’t think KDO will ever become a travel blog, but I imagine I’ll write sometimes about where I am and what I’m doing. I’ve got a backlog of things I want to do for the site and now that the massive time sink of moving is done, I’ll have the opportunity to do them.
For now, I’m going to pack my computer up and walk to find something tasty for lunch — I’ve so missed being able to easily do that. Catch you on the flip side.
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HUGE. You've done a great thing.
Wishing you the best of luck on this new adventure, Jason! Vermont will miss you, but I'm still glad we have you in this space and I'm really looking forward to reading all about what comes next.
Excited to see how this changes the posting schedule. Will my frequent reloads of Kottke throughout the day (because I just need a break and I hope my friend posted something) be more or less fruitful? To be seen!
I love how BRAVE this is, Jason. I hope it inspires me and others to do something that's just a fraction as brave as this is. We can't wait to hear what adventures, and homecoming awaits you!
Oh man, I'm so excited for you! How are you handling accommodations? Are you becoming a travel points ninja and hoteling it, are you airBNB/VERBO'ing, something else? I think many KDO readers would love to hear more about your experiences and methods of tackling this adventure. I've been a KDO reader since the early days and I've aged just as much as you have, so opportunities like this are opening for me (calling me?) as well. I'm sure you'll strike a good balance between travel blog and traditional KDO goodies.
I must admin, I am a little jealous, as it is always something which I wanted to do in the back of my mind, but family and other life constraints make this not a good time for me.
So, for now, I will live that through your experience and I hope all the best for curiosity, discovery and growth for you.
Same here. When I read this line "Living elsewhere in the world has been on my mind for a long while and at this point, I can’t not do it." I thought yeah that is what I've been thinking but the last part would read "I can't do it yet".
I've lived in two other countries for 3-month periods, and I love staying in a place long enough for it to become familiar. Like home, even. I'm looking toward retirement and would like to try something similar to what you're doing, so I'd love posts about logistics. Best of luck to you, and congratulations!
Good luck on all the future plans! I'd love to visit Japan someday, and I hope we get some good dispatches while you're visiting. Can't wait to see what else you share with us during this new part of your life!
Well this is all just absolutely fantastic. The fig tree looks like it has great light and room to grow. Here's to your journey having the same!
Such a bold, brave step, and an inspiring post. Congratulations on owning your life, Jason, you’ve already succeeded. Best of luck and please keep posting for as long as that flame burns.
Very exciting, I'll be thrilled to read about this adventure... and live vicariously through it. Thank you. Some of the happiest times of my life were when everything I owned fit on my back, cavorting around Europe for a couple years. Or when I lived in the back of my truck for extended periods of time while teaching outdoor skills in NC. Home is an odd construct to me as well. For now it's where ever my kids are, as they're young-ish. But this will certainly change once they fly away. That ole backpack is lookin' kinda nice.
YES! I love this! Almost daily I think about the last line of Mary Olivers Summer Day poem, "what will you do with this one wild & precious life". It isn't about the big moments but about small moments and it helps me zoom into the small moments while also zooming out to the big perspective. Anyway, this feels like one of those moments where you've shifted the big picture, which will focus the small things. Excited to see posts as you explore!
We’re of a similar age and disposition, and I’ve been reading your work for more of my life than not. Whatever you do, wherever you end up, you can be proud of what you built and the people you impacted along the way. I wish you the absolute best for this next phase of your life, and can say with confidence it will be successful in ways that feel unpredictable today. Much love from Canada ❤️
Well, best of luck on your new adventures! Japan was a great pick as a place to start. I was there for a month and think about it all the time.
Yay Jason! I admire your courage and the planning it must have taken to get to this point. Cheering you on and wishing you all the best in your new adventure.
Well done and happy travels. Much love from Sweden.
Wow amazing and was hoping you'd end up in Japan! I recently had a personal life disruption and am questioning the idea of a home. Currently, it is where I and my 3 cats live but I am questioning the permanent home idea.
May the road rise up to meet you, as they say. Congrats on the big adventure, Jason. I look forward to the updates.
How wonderful and what a wondrous place to be! I just knew you’d be going the ex-pat route. I am envious! Live it up, Jason, and be sure to enjoy onsen 💦
Thank you for sharing! Best of luck in this transition!
Bravo! Thank you for sharing this poignant story. It's inspiring me to think more broadly about the next steps in my life.
YEEEESSSSS!!! What a joy for us KDO readers to tag along on this next phase of your explorations. I don't imagine KDO is going to turn into a travel blog but also maybe become a travel blog because we all want to discover what you're seeing and observing along with you.
This brings me right back to arriving in a tiny town in The Netherlands for an internship after college. I stayed inside the entire weekend, I was too freaked out to leave. All the planning and excitement faded and the reality of it hit me all at once.
It turned out great, of course. And I’m sure it will for you.
Putting yourself in a position where going back to before isn’t an option is a great life hack. Nothing like a giant jolt to your system to keep you fresh and alive. Congrats
Not gonna lie, ever since you said you were moving I’ve wondered what will happen to the fig— so glad it and you are on to new journeys!
PLEASE make KDO into a (sort of) travel blog. Unfamiliar environments spur so much original thinking. Don't doubt how interesting all that would be for the rest of us. Manna for the routinized.
What a wonderful and courageous undertaking. I look forward to following along.
And, not to get too "home is the friends we made along the way" or whatever, but have you considered whether/how kottke.org might be home for you?
Fantastic. Congratulations, Jason. And I hope you *do* include some of your travels, discoveries, highlights (and lowlights) here on KDO. That would be most welcome. ENJOY!
💞
Jason, thank you so much for sharing this. One of the amazing things about the time we live in is that it's so easy (for some) to communicate - it breaks down barriers and opens doors. Of course, the technology means little without the people using it. It takes someone who is willing to share themselves, and you, my friend, are one of those people. I have no doubt that you will find this next stage of your life rewarding, maybe even thrilling. And I cannot wait to hear about it!
Enjoy the travel. While in Japan, try to make it up to Hokkaido, it is the most wonderful place in the world.
This is amazing! I am excited for and slightly jealous of you :D. Have a fantastic start to this journey.
Congratulations, Jason. It was 20+ years ago when I was at a different stage of life, but I did something similar and it turned out to be one of the best decisions, maybe the best, of my life. I'll never forget the immense relief I felt at getting rid of so. much. stuff. and being untethered. Best of luck to you, wherever you go.
So exciting! Best of luck in this new phase of life, Jason. 😄🎸🎶
🥹🌱🥹
All good things. I remember that fig tree post, and seeing you let it go made me feel surprisingly emotional. Really happy for you.
And, slightly off-topic, the anniversary of 9/11 reminds me I’ve now been following you for 25 years. Happy to know KDO will continue.
This is awesome. Stay dry!
This is awesome. Best wishes on this new phase.
Congratulations on your move. I know the universe will meet you there and provide opportunities for growth and learning in unexpected ways. Courage and bravery precede these things. And you are living both of those characteristics out.
My overwhelming emotion reading this update is happiness. The new chapter in the fig tree story brings happiness. The strength built with your family that is different than it once was brings happiness. The belief in yourself to figure it out brings happiness. New adventures, experiences, and people bring happiness. KDO and this community you've built brings happiness. Jason, I wish you the absolute best. Thanks for bringing all of us along for the ride.
This sounds like the best thing for you. Good luck.
Sounds incredible. Years from now, would love to hear about how you settled in.
Ha! After your enthusiastic write up after you walking tour, I was betting that you were going to relocate to Asia somewhere.
Seems like the perfect time to do it, kids all off to school now.
Good for you - what an exciting new chapter!
Well done Jason, a very brave thing to do, I hope you'll have a wonderful time! I'm pretty sure your website will benefit from it, and I can't wait to read about all the interesting things you'll find, see & hear about during your travels!
I highkey love this for you, as the kids maybe say.
The sincerity of this post from last November remains impeccable and now the significance feels pronounced. https://kottke.org/25/11/every-tree-can-be-a-buddha
Your fig leaf tree pops into my mind often. It was a gift you both gave all of us to question (or willfully ignore?!) what needed nurturing. This new life for it and for you is charming in the most authentic way and huge in the most unpretentious, you've-got-this-but-it's-okay-if-you-don't-always-feel-that-way way. Travel on!
🫶
Hearing The Beatles "...but oh that magic feeling, nowhere to go"
Hugs and good wishes on the adventure!
After 31 years in Arkansas, and almost 20 in New York City, I also still don't know where home is. Little Rock almost felt right after 7 years, but I suspect that home isn't a place you can go out and find. What is home? Is it merely a favorable environment or a constructed community? Even after 19 years in NYC, it still feels presumptuous to call it home; I'm forever a transplant, an expat, an extended tourist. I guess I'm OK with that, because no matter where I go, there I am.
Excellent, well done! I hope you have an amazing time.
Congratulations!
Thank you for looking after the fig. I love visiting other places and I also love being home. The cherry tree we planted is as tall as the house and was occupied by catbirds, hummingbirds, and bluejays this morning.
I love things that grow and places that don't move. The fluid world is also one I respect and I'm looking forward to hearing about your adventures.
Huge Congrats! I'm thrilled you have this opportunity and can't wait to read about it. I've spent years enjoying your unique viewpoints of the world via KDO and it will be fun to see this new adventure through your eyes. Thanks for sharing and wishing you all the best!
Once my last kid graduates high school in a couple years and likely attends university elsewhere I don’t feel like there will be a lot attaching my wife and I to our current home.
We visited Spain — Catalonia and The Basque Country in particular — this past year for an extended period and I fell in love with the region and its people. I have had dreams about us getting a small flat and living a happy quiet life in Pamplona or San Sebastian or Bilbao. I can’t stop thinking about it. We’ve traveled extensively across the US and a little internationally and nothing and nowhere has had this impact on me.
This makes me think we need to maybe just do it and see what happens. Make a plan and improve our Spanish and make sure our kids understand.
+1 for liking the Basque region. We visited it last year for the first time, and we loved it too.
I love everything about this! My therapist recently the quoted Teddy Roosevelt... "Don't flinch, don't foul, hot the line hard!" When you're dreaming about a better future and the opportunity arise, you gotta go for it when the opportunity arises. I myself am back in school to become a hospice nurse, after spending a career as a researcher with a PhD. Same, same, but different. We have one life and we gotta live it! Good job! Go get it!
Wow.
Wow and a big batch of heart emojis.
this is fantastically exciting on all fronts. thank you for the fig tree update & looking forward to seeing where this new chapter takes you!
Thanks for the kind thoughts, everyone. I'm forcing myself to take the weekend off (first one in months?) so I'll see you back here at whatever Monday morning Tokyo time translates to in your timezone (still getting the hang of this...)
Jason, congrats! If you’re near Shinjuku Gyoenmae, and you want a home-cooked meal from a magnificent older gay couple, one Japanese and one American, send me an email. They’re dear friends, and they helped my husband and me acclimate quickly to Japanese life. They are, by their own admission, “starved for conversations with Westerners.” :-)
Hello?
Jason did you ever make it to the Hakone Open Air Museum? I hope you will and that we get to hear what it was like!
It's a bold move, and I wish you the best. You are very courageous, and now you are embarking on a new adventure, in every sense of the word. (I did the same thing three years ago: Left the US to settle in Tokyo.) Don't be afraid to reach out to old and new friends for help!
Tokyo is another a city that can be restless, calm, hectic and tranquil. The constant movement of people and trains can be both mesmerizing and soothing as you also become part of it. There are countless places and moments waiting for you to discover them. Here in Tokyo, I've learned to look around and far into the distance on a clear day to see Mt. Fuji.
Soon, fall colors will arrive. Last year, I visited the Gotoh Museum, and the gardens have amazing fall colors. Nearby, from the small Fujimi Bridge, there is a clear view all the way out to Mt Fuji in the distance.
Awesome. No move is a lifelong commitment. You move, and you stay there as long as it feels like the right place for you to be. Excited for you!
Congrats and good luck!
This was inspiring. Hopeful, even.
You never know where life takes you. Good luck!
I don’t know where I’m going next yet — probably somewhere closer to the US so I can visit my kids more easily during this transition.
I don't know how old your kids are, or what your relationship to them is, but speaking as a person who is about to become an empty-nester in 10 days, I would encourage you to lock down as much quality parent-child time as possible before they get big on you. There is no such thing as an "amazing cafe in Berlin" or an "Instagram-worthy hike to a Buddhist temple" that is cooler than helping your kids turn into amazing, loving, funny, kind, smart people. Just my two-cents.
Think they’re in college now
Godspeed! I'm excited to see where this takes you. I'm rooting for you, JK.
That’s super exciting! I can relate to not feeling you’re living in the right place. Minneapolis was too cold for me… didn’t want to return to my birth state of MA, I now live in central Texas where it is indeed very hot (I fare better than most) but the nature here knocks my socks off! I can just walk outside and notice a new living thing I never saw before. This is the exact right place for me to live. I hope you find yours.
Sounds like a great adventure, Jason. +1 for the increased travel posts here on KDO.
Tokyo (well, Japan) spoilers: one, there’s no bagels, it’s round bread. OK (literally that’s the name) supermarket has mostly-crap frozen bagels ‘from the Bronx’, it’s just a sham. Two, barely any menu or supermarket or breakfast shop has bacon, it’s ham. (Costco if you need the real thing, or hit the lottery befriending someone with access to the military base pantry thing.)
Tokyo becomes the default Japan experience for so many I’m glad you poked your head out to Koyasan - I moved to Osaka after being in the Shibuya/Meguro area for years from before covid, and it’s real grime and gangsters and kindness like I was missing. I’ve learned a lot of empathy and grace from and for the folks over here, but you’re right to expect it’s far from your family (and time zones, just like culture, is real!)
Cheers, and welcome to the diaspora!
Really beautiful personal writing. This question about home consumes me as well, but for the opposite reason. My hometown is like a giant friendly octopus. I moved out of state a couple of times, but never felt as happy, and those loving tentacles found me and yanked me home. I feel spiritually destined to be here, and I think about Why all the time. Why don't other people know where they belong or have the same feeling? Why do I need it so much, and they don't? I wonder if I'd whither away and die elsewhere, like a happy pumpkin cut from her patch. Anyway, I can think and talk and wonder about this forever, and look forward to reading more about your findings. I hope your adventure brings you through SoCal. Hugs and best wishes.
Couldn’t be happier for you, Jason. And as soon as I read Japan I thought “Well, obviously”. It seems like the perfect fit for you, if not full time then at least to start.
You might like this recent episode of Search Engine:
https://www.searchengine.show/whys-everybody-going-to-japan/
Congratulations on taking the first big step. I’m sure it wasn’t easy.
“I love this for you” is such an overused statement at this point (and often sarcastic, LOL) but truly, this is so great.
I watched Mr. Bingo take a full year off a while back and travel with no real plan, and then saw how much that seemed to be a reset for him. I look forward to to seeing where you go!
How exciting, congrats! Wishing you a happy adventure filled with delightful surprises.
Oh dang, good luck with this next part of your life! I live in Kyoto, so if you’re ever in the neighborhood, feel free to reach out to meet up for an expensive but very delicious coffee, heh
Good one! A shout out for Taiwan as a possible side-trip while you're in Japan. Speaking as a non-Taiwanese, it's a wonderful, and often overlooked, country.
I’m so happy for you. Truly.
I lived in Tokyo for a year and have friends still there. If you’re in the nightlife spots, and you drink alcohol, please consider getting your bottles of beer brought to you with the caps still on & only drink from sealed bottles you’ve watched being opened.
drinks are spiked so that people can be parted from their valuables or taken advantage of sexually, and blokes are brought to ATMs so drugged that they can’t resist but lucid enough to punch in a pin.
I hope it doesn’t happen to you but it’s so so common and it’s difficult to figure how many people can have their drinks spiked without the staff being involved/ turning a blind eye.
that said, I’m pretty sure 99% of the people you meet will be good souls. Enjoy the adventure. Enroll in more language lessons than you think you’ll need and get a satnav for driving adventures. Road signs outside the city will be in kanji or katakana and illegible till you learn it….
Apologies for raining on your parade…. They sniff you out when you’re new.
xxxx
National Azabu has real bagels in the freezer section- Zabars, eye wateringly expensive but less than a flight to the US.
Welcome back! I hope you get to see a lot of the country and enjoy making it your home base for a while. I've been in Kyoto 16 years and am still discovering new things all the time.
A bit late in seeing this, but I want to wish you so much good luck in this new phase, Jason. It sounds like you're ready for this. Having done roughly the same thing (one-way ticket to China, only a short-term plan, and some optimism), I know well the feeling you had on the plane, and really, not freaking out a little might be weird! My main tip is, when you find something that reminds you of the homes you've known, don't deny yourself a moment of missing what you've left behind for now. (For me it as Grey Poupon, go figure.) Looking forward to your reports from the world!
That is a wonderful adventure. And I think it will be perfect for you…All the very best and looking forward to your posts when ever you feel like it!
I lived for 4.5 years as a nomad. After about 3 years, I wrote this article with everything I have learned so far about how to live that way comfortably. Jason, there might be some info in here that helps you:
https://medium.com/@ryannee/tips-for-nomads-with-a-full-time-job-f001ec1edf96
I am only halfway through this, but this is amazing! And validating in many ways about decisions I've made about how I want to travel. Thank you, Ryan!
I'm glad it is helpful!
I missed this post the first time around. Exciting. Tokyo is a wonderful city. Hopefully it's a nice time and transition for you.
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