In a review (of sorts) of the Paris Hilton vehicle The Hottie and the Nottie on the eve of its UK release, critic Joe Queenan picks his worst movie of all time, along with the criteria he used to choose it.

To qualify as one of the worst movies ever made, a motion picture must induce a sense of dread in those who have seen it, a fear that they may one day be forced to watch the film again — and again — and again.

Gigli wasn’t that bad. Neither was Jersey Girl.

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Did you know that Paris Hilton has a movie out? Yeah, no one else cares either. The Hottie & the Nottie opened this weekend and took in only $230 per screen.

That means that, based on an $8 average ticket price, 29 paying customers showed up at each location over the 3-day [weekend]. In a country that seems fascinated with Paris Hilton, only 3,219 unlucky Americans will have been suckered into seeing Hottie by Monday morning.

Emphasis mine.

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