The Referendum  OCT 14 2009

Tim Kreider muses on people's changing relationships to each other as they grow older, specifically related to the choices that we've made in comparison to those around us.

The Referendum is a phenomenon typical of (but not limited to) midlife, whereby people, increasingly aware of the finiteness of their time in the world, the limitations placed on them by their choices so far, and the narrowing options remaining to them, start judging their peers' differing choices with reactions ranging from envy to contempt. The Referendum can subtly poison formerly close and uncomplicated relationships, creating tensions between the married and the single, the childless and parents, careerists and the stay-at-home.

This article resonated with me to an uncomfortable degree, especially this line from a James Salter novel:

For whatever we do, even whatever we do not do prevents us from doing its opposite. Acts demolish their alternatives, that is the paradox.

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