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posted by Jason Kottke  ·  gift link

The novelist R.O. Kwon: The Parents Who Regret Having Children. “It’s possible to have strong, lasting regrets about a life choice while ferociously loving — and caring for — the fruit of that decision.”

Discussion  4 comments

Jason KottkeMOD

Somewhat relatedly (because I saw this in the sidebar of Kwon's piece), here's how Lauren Groff gets her work done:

We have this beautiful contract. It means that I never have to get up in the morning with the children. I never have, other than when they were physically attached to me. I don't take them to school. I don't make them breakfast. I don't see them in the morning. There are no humans for me in the morning other than the humans in the book. And it's become a very beautiful silent space for for the work to get done...

I do allow the boys to sort of slide back into my life when they come home from school, right? They take center stage. They are the most important thing afterwards. But, there is a kind of, I don't know if it's meanness, but it's a very adamantine pushing away that happens, which is probably not kind or generous in a way that we expect mothers to be kind and generous. I'm not saying that I regret it in any way, but it's very, it's very hard. I'm closing my door to my children. So, when they were really little, when they were screaming, I would not go out there. I just let Clay take care of it. And he's competent. He can do it, right? They can do it.

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Isah Edited

I am a single mother who knew my limits even before my daughter was born. And so, thanks to my class privilege and willingness to sacrifice other things for my time to just be, I have always hired someone to care for my daughter for 2-3 hours 2x a week after school and one night a week overnight. I'm sure my daughter has thought that I go to raves on these overnights, but usually, I read a book, watch a documentary, stare at a wall, eat the spiciest of foods (or, admittedly, popcorn for dinner). My daughter's 12 now, and I still claim my time every week; I can't even say how much better our relationship and my mothering are for it. I also couldn't count how many people —and mostly mothers— have made snide remarks about my choice to be something other than a mother or a worker bee for about 16 hours a week. I am so grateful that other mothers are voicing their humanity, too.

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Tracy M

I think that this sounds amazing and that if more parents did what you do, they'd be a lot happier. As a fellow single mom, I can whole-heartedly say that having a child that is now a teenager is downright awesome. Everyone always talks about the teenage years with a look of horror on their faces. But I am loving the teenage years. Now that my kid is old enough to be left alone for long stretches of time, we are both the happier for it. I trust him, I know he's responsible, and I don't worry about him when I'm not at home. I know he'll call or text if he needs something - and he only ever does if he needs money on his apple pay to go buy food. ;) We both get the space and time to do what we want without being bothered. It's fantastic.

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Isah

@Tracy M — I agree that the teenage years have been lovely thus far (pardon me as I go knock on alllllll the wood). Engaging with my daughter as a human who can take on responsibility, make common sense choices, and communicate needs has made all of our interactions, tricky growth moments, and time apart so much more peaceful and enjoyable.

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