Kottke Stalker

With apologies to Gawker Stalker, here are some NYC celebrity sighting reports I’ve gotten from my readers:

Anna Wintour leaping Matrix-style from a black Lincoln Town Car on 43rd Street behind 4 Times Square, descending upon four unsuspecting interns. I have never before seen such exquisitely-toned intern ass kicked so completely. Her beatings administered, Lady Wintour flew off into the morning sky, the world flexing behind her.

Samuel L. Jackson standing outside of Madame Tussaud’s in Times Square. He was very nice, posing for picture after picture with people.

Everyone doing cocaine. (Ed. note: This is funny because everyone in NYC does coke — how quaint! — and it makes us all feel extremely cool to mention it as often as we can.)

Paris Hilton on the subway platform at 135th Street, waiting for the 2 train to the Bronx.

Colin Farrell having sexual intercourse with six famous young women at the same time. Out of respect for their privacy, we won’t reveal the names of the six women. Present were Britney Spears, Winona Ryder (boy, did he!), Tanya Harding, Hilary Duff, Kylie Minogue, and Dame Judi Dench. Colin ain’t picky.

Graydon Carter riding Tina Brown like a pony through Midtown at 12:15pm. Gray and blonde locks flowed majestically behind. Of course, it may have been an unknown man riding an unknown woman like a pony through Midtown because I have no clue what Graydon Carter and Tina Brown look like and neither do you.

Every actor that has ever been in an independent film in a tiny vegan coffee shop (so hip!) in the West Village (so, so hip!). Seriously, they were all there. I dare you to name someone who wasn’t there. When we left, Philip Seymour Hoffman was leading a rousing game of Who’s Keeping It Most Real?

Ben Affleck and J.Lo. absolutely nowhere near the block.